Saturday, 17 January 2009

This Week's Sewer Awards

1) David Miliband. According to his Wikipedia entry, 'whilst Environmental Secretary, [he] called for all 27 nations of the European Union to unify in backing proposals to cut harmful emissions by 30% by 2020.' What about harmful emissions from his own mouth? The Oxford/MIT-educated MP for South Shields declared this week that the 'war on terror' launched by Bush et al is pointless. Well, no-one's going to disagree with that: a war on 'terror' by definition will last forever because there'll always be someone militating violently against the status quo somewhere - good news for arms manufacturers. However, Miliband wins the sewer award because of his shameless attempts to pass the buck: he could hardly condemn the invasion of Gaza to weed out Hamas on the one hand whilst supporting the invasion of Afghanistan to weed out al-Qaeda on the other.

2) Harriet Harman. Shame On You. Content to sacrifice everyone else's rights as long as her own are protected - remember how she took MI5 to court for spying on her when she was on the NCCL? - born to a non-conformist family which includes the luminary Lord Longford, she's now attempting to force prospective employers to discriminate against the well-educated and articulate. Rather smacks of Sudan, to my mind, where the only qualification you need to fly a plane is a primary school certificate. How exactly Ms Harman is going to achieve her goal of dragging the entire nation down to the gutter is unclear, as it's unlikely that any employer in his right mind is going to hire a surly oik to liaise with a sophisticated international client base. Of course, it would be asinine to suggest that early state schooling could play a more integral part in ensuring a child meets its potential (if it has any, that is), such as resuscitating the 3Rs, strict discipline - rather than 'respecting' the little dears' feelings - and even nationwide elocution lessons so that everyone speaks the Queen's English in a business context and their own dialect at home. Harman is unable to stop herself meddling, though, and thinking she knows what's best for everyone, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. 'They want to work', she stated coldly, slashing a red pen through Lone Parents' allowances.

3) Conservatives who claim that we live in a 'democracy'. What, have you skipped over to Left-of-Centre? Are you to allow the arch-Nemesis Blair to win? The kind of 'democracy' trotted out at every turn is social democracy, a Continental pro-Marxist attempt to harmonise socialism and capitalism, more commonly known as the 'Third Way'. One of its fundamental tenets is to uphold the integrity of the Welfare State. We've seen just how much this government upholds the integrity of the Welfare State - by expanding it so monstrously, and by devaluing good competition in terms of justified elitism (little things like aspiring to a decent education rather than the local comprehensive, eating with one's mouth shut rather than emulating a cow/Jade Goody. That sort of thing) that it's often easier to stay on the dole than to attempt to find a job. Indeed, working part-time can often net you less ready cash than JSA/Housing Benefit, with the added benefit that you don't have to get up in the mornings to do a job which is so mind-numbingly tedious that you want to perform surgery on yourself for some light relaxation. Anyway. We don't live in a democracy - we have a Royal Family. We don't live in a democracy - our government's forced us into a Marxist nightmare and would love to erase the Royals to complete their vision of Utopia. When it comes to the next election I want to vote for a party with libertarian leanings, not for more of same. There's no such thing as 'socialism with a human face', chaps.

4) Whichever fool it was at DWP or DEFRA or whichever acronym's in favour this week who thinks it's a good idea to put calorie counts on menus. Sewers! Not only does it standardise food to a revolting degree - can you imagine the Roux brothers painstakingly measuring out their oils, herbs, butter and spices out into tiny cups so that every portion is exactly the same? - but it'll put people off eating out altogether. Yet another example of the government doing our thinking for us. Common sense *should* dictate that if it's got cream in it, you're going to pork up, unless you suffer from hyperthyroidism. D'oh.

5) The pro-'democracy' (did I mention that I hate that word) crew who are rubbing their hands in glee since it's been revealed that  Prince Charles calls a friend 'Sooty' and Prince Harry made *that* comment about a fellow soldier. Despite the fact that Ahmed Raza Khan said Prince Harry's not racist, the anti-elite mob are still baying for blood; what better opportunity could there be, save for images of Ma'am beating the corgis, to get rid of privilege in the shape of the HofL? One wonders how many more examples of 'anti-democratic' behaviour will be coming out of the Palace/Sandringham etc in the coming weeks. One more step towards removing the last piece of valuable heritage that we have left in Britland: the Royal Family.

6) Jacqui Smith (previous holder of my No.1 Sewer Spot for the past 52 weeks). She won't let MPs publish their expenditures. Why not give them a flat allowance and let them do what they like with it within reason - no hookers/cocaine on the taxpayers' money, please - and be done with it? I haven't really got anything against MPs not disclosing their till receipts - if they're not fiddling the expenses, why should we know about it? - but what does irk me is that, once again, this monster in polyester suiting has gone against Parliamentary procedure. Shame the CID doesn't march in and drag her off for crimes against humanity - us.

Any more nominations for Sewer of the Week would be gladly received.

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Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat -Ralph Ellison